I had a dream

Last night I had the most wonderful dream. I didn't want to wake up.

Last night, I dreamt that John and I were in Ukraine. The warm sun was peeking in the cracked window between the tree branches. We were visiting with another American couple who was also adopting. I was sitting on the couch with our little boy covering his face with a blanket to shield him from the sunlight that was magnified through the crack in the window. He was warm and cozy, his blue eyes closed, almost asleep............... and nursing.

The quiet sound of him suckling was like sweet music to my ears.

For anyone that has had the experience of nursing their precious, cherub like child, I'm sure you know exactly what I am talking about. There is something so natural, so innocent, nothing short of the way God intended for our precious little babies to be fed.

The only problem with the scenario is that my son will be adopted. Since I will not have given birth to this child, my body will not have made the hormones needed to produce milk. Secondly, my son will not be a newborn. He will most likely be drinking from a cup or at the very least a bottle. The desire to suckle harder when he will be used to the easier flow of a bottle, will not be there. I do not know if a child can be taught how to nurse after they have been fed with a bottle for so long. Thirdly, I've had a hysterectomy.......so if the other reasons for not nursing worked themselves out, I'm not sure my body could even be jump started into producing milk if my body is unable to make the right hormones needed to lactate......... even if just a little.

It is all so overwhelming.

Until now, I couldn't think of one downside to adopting. But, not being able to nurse my baby is so sad to me.

I have adopted before, but they were older and so I never gave nursing a serious thought with my daughters. One of of my daughters did though. When you think about it.....that is even sadder. Don't get me wrong, my daughters are so much better off having us now, even after missing out on so much in their early life, but that doesn't change the grieving that I as their mama now goes through for them because they missed out on the closeness that nursing provides. Their body being cuddled in their mama's arms, their face having skin on skin contact, being familiar with the smell of their mama, and the eye to eye contact that reassures them that it is okay to fall asleep......... is something they will have to grow up without ever having experienced. To me, that is something to grieve.

Come to think of it, have any of our adopted children ever had the pleasure and closeness of being held and cuddled by their mama while nursing from her breast?

Even though it wasn't from my breast that my adopted daughters have suckled from, I'd like to think that they did get that opportunity with their birth mothers.

Though, I am pretty sure that the only way I am going to be able to nurse my new son is in my dreams, I believe that God will open other doors for us to experience that same kind of intimacy between that of mother and her nursing child.

Still I will miss the chance to nurse my little baby boy. And I will miss the opportunity to show my older adopted daughters just how beautiful and intimate nursing your baby can be.